waiting for the sky to fall.

That’s how bad my luck has been the last two months. I’m trying to stay positive, and I do have so much to be excited and grateful for; an awesome new house and roommate, my health, the gorgeous weather we’ve been blessed with–but it’s as though there’s a black cloud following me around. In the last two months I’ve received a parking ticket, been in a fender-bender thats going to cost me upwards of $1200, had all sorts of drama on my birthday, got arrested for a DUI, spent three days in jail, and then, as though to top it all off, I was hit by a car while riding my skateboard home from work on Wednesday night. I am exhausted, emotionally and physically. I’m sore and bruised and wondering when this run of bad luck will come to an end. Whatever bad karma I have accrued to result in all this…I’m hoping I’m about done working it off.

It’s interesting that I’m studying Buddhism in the midst of all this. Even more interesting is that the chapters on Karma, cause and effect and the fact that you cannot escape consequences of your bad deeds, are the ones we are in the middle of while all of this is going down. I am the first to admit I have not exactly led a saintly life. I have made many mistakes, done many things that I regret, not always been the best or most honest of people. I have certainly racked up my fair share of bad juju. And I suppose this is my time to pay for it all. And, lord, am I paying. I still don’t know what my fines will be for the DUI, but I can’t imagine it will be cheap and it’s surprisingly easy for me to make connections between the events currently exploding all around me and my past misdeeds. It is one of the things making it easier to deal with all of this, the fact that I have earned it. Does that sound harsh? Maybe, but it’s also sort of comforting to me. I may have done some things that I regret and they may have earned me all this chaos, but I am reassured by the fact that generally speaking, I am a good person and I do my best to lead my life in a way which I hope will eventually redeem me.

For now, all I can do is laugh. It’s almost comical how terrible my lucks been. I think my amusement towards it all is the only thing keeping me from falling apart. I am resigned to it. If this is what I have to deal with then I’ll deal with it. I’ll keep my chin up, my eyes forward towards a day when all of this is over, and put one foot in front of the other until I am out of this storm. The fact that I brought this all on myself doesn’t bother me, it only makes me more certain that I’m capable of coping and growing from it. It reassures me that, as long as I live my life well, do my best to do the right thing and be a good person, that things will be good again. All I have to do is make it through. Just make it through.

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